Friday, April 22, 2005

Bubbas Movie Reviews:

Since I have been on 3 different flights within the past 48 hours I have had my fill of movies. Here are some with short ehh comments.

Be Cool - star-studded crap
Bridget Jones 2 - fat girl romance crap, though Hugh Grant was pretty cool
Shall We Dance - j los huge dancing ass crap
Spanglish - bilingual crap/mierde though Tea Leoni was good
Taxi - its just bad

Not a single one of these is worth watching for any reason whatsoever. They should have not been made and should be forgotten by all who see them. I put a curse on the directors, producers and actors of these movies (except for Tea Leoni and Hugh Grant). May they all be forced to sit down to watch their movie over and over and over again until they repent before humanity for the brain pollution that each of these movies has caused. Then they should be flogged, and then drawn and quartered.

There needs to be a way of punishing those that make bad movies for their deeds. Clearly the fact that I don't go see bad movies doesn't stop 20 million morons from watching them instead of reading a book. Of course in reality these 20 million morons would otherwise be probably watching episodes of Newlyweds, Elimidate, Survivor, American Idol and 'The Real World' (this title alone makes me want to barf). The producers of these shows should by the way be crucified and/or impaled along with their actors and the morons who agree to appear on them. I am still debating whether their audiences should join them.

Yes I know what freedom of speech is. It is a sacred right. But isn't there some way of punishing those that bring people into the movie theaters under false premises?
'You will be blown away'
'Action sequences'
'The most amazing blah you have ever seen'
'You will laugh/cry/be shocked by the suspense/horror/romance/adventure of this movie' (usually you laugh when you should shocked and cry when you should be laughing)
Maybe make them pay for damages? Or at least for the time a movie takes as well the time one needs to recover? Lets see. A bad movie takes 2 hours including the previews. After a bad movie it takes at least 2 more hours to recover or possibly one hour and two beers. And of course we have to demand a refund of the money spent under false impressions.

The average American probably makes about $14/hour, so for a total of 4 hours that would be $56 + $10 for the price of the ticket. The total is $66/person for a bad movie.

Lets take Godzilla. It has a running time of 2 hrs 20 mins and grossed $136 mil domestically, which translates to about 17 million Americans seeing it at an average ticket price of about $8. So lets use some basic math to figure out the damage figure.

17,000,000 * ((5 hours * $14/hour) + $8) = $ 1,326,000,000.

So, we should be able to sue Sony for $1.3 billion dollars worth of damage and lost time due to the release of Godzilla in 1998. Now this is only the domestic calculation. If we combine with this a global audience we arrive with the following overseas total:

$242 million gross overseas / $5 (average ticket price) = roughly 48 million people whose time is worth lets say $10/hr on average.

48,000,000 * ((5 hours * $10) +5) = $ 2,640,000,000.

So in total Sony should be liable for roughly $4 billion worth of damages to the planet and lost productivity that could be spent on time and investments in education, in enviroment and real culture, or at least spent on a good movie.

So what would be a way from stopping people from seeing bad movies? I suggest an alliance against bad movies which would monitor the hundreds of movies coming out and deter people from seeing the bad ones. I suggest that it be called the National Organization for the Condemnation and Repression of Awful Pictures (NO-CRAP). The preferred method of deterrence should be stink bombs or skunks. Upon the release of the movie it would be rated by a prestigious committee of NO-CRAP movie experts. If a movie was found to be Condemnible, a message would be released sanctioning an attack on the movie. Supporters of NO-CRAP would infiltrate cinemas nation-wide armed with a dozen stink bombs each. Every 20 minutes or so a stink bomb would be set off with the worst stink bombs reserved for the very end of the movie. Actions would be carried out just often enough to make it a part of people's considerations when choosing a movie to see. In the long term, just the threat of such actions would be sufficient from dissuading people from seeing bad movies.

We have learned that a centrally organized organization can easily be stopped, so for this reason NO-CRAP cells must be organized without the involvement of the Movie Condemnation Committee, thus separating the Condemnation Committee from the Implementation Squads.

The world must unite against bad movies in order to save humanity from another Godzilla, another Alexander, another Constantine, another Alone in the Dark. Can we truly allow such resources to be wasted on such drivel when so many real problems can be solved if the resources and time spent on the creation and consumption of such crap can be redirected towards more useful goals?


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